late at night

It's late and Cristi and the children are asleep, just me and my thoughts are up and trying to understand how God has wired me.  Naturally I live to be creative what I mean is my imagination has always been at work, which causes my hands to try and bring a physical representation of those thoughts into a  form or medium that can be seen rather than just talked about.  But with all honesty I don't feel very creative right now, nor do I have any ambition to work my hands into any medium that would produce an artist physical representation of my thoughts.  So I sit typing which maybe in some sense is physical but not to the same magnitude that I would consider, but it is all that I have so i press on, I have always wanted to blog.  But with all honesty it would take me a week to write a 6-7 page paper, with much preparation and conversations to have the ability to process the information out side of myself so that i could write or type those conversations.  Yet I am writing from my heart now with no one to process with, not that I couldn't call someone or be in some form of prayer.  I don't know where I ma going with all of this, this, these wounded hands trying to be something, picking up pieces of emotion, searching for meaning, feeling sometimes alone even without God, or maybe not alone he's just at a distance watching, and that kinda weird.  I know God is with me that he will never leave me, I just hate the distance thing that we sometimes or either all the time feel.  I am a prisoner of gravity,  my life is not spent  flying high above the clouds,  a fellow mud kid feeling the over arching theme of from the dust you were made and so to the dust you will return.  My days are limited to those which have been calculated for me on my behalf, and currently I still am not overly concerned about it ending  as I was those days in the hospital.  And even then my life was speared yet again like a cat with 9 lives but mine has surely been many more than that, and yet again I live and I rejoice at the fact that I am alive; but not enough to rejoice in my creativity practices of doing art so i am restricted by the gravity.  This I must break to be set free from and worship the God who's created me, redeemed me and also has forged me through fire to create again something new, or at least refined a bit more by the scars left to tell the tale.  Jesus has scars!  Even though he has a new Body, he has scars still,  Thomas saw them and touched them; here see put your hand in.  Jesus you are bizarre  to me a puzzle that I cannot pretend to understand.  What do I do with all of this crap and goodness around me?  Provision and yet withholding, security and pain with suffering, encouragement and words that leave me hopeless, all this and more I lay out there only you know the truth and some how I trust you.  May every one who trusts in the Lord have their prayers answered.  shalom

Why do our personalities flip flop?

I sit here today in a mildly confused state of why one day or one week I'm up the next she's up and I'm down, I guess the beauty of marriage and what we bring to the table mixed with the oneness thing.  But it's strange to me no matter how many times I have seen it repeated, over six years and it's still weird to me and to Cristi too or at least that's what she said today.  I know things will work out they always do, but being flushed down through a tiny dark hole is never pleasant to me; I know it's beautiful on the other side but it's the whole process thing.  Some call it character building and well it always is, i just typically don't want any more character than I  already have.   Today we met with Chris who is the missions pastor @ Cristi's home church, which is becoming my home church too.  Our kid's love going to their classes every Sunday without a fight at all, they want to go in even without us which wasn't the case in Chicago.  My healing is coming day by day and I am seeing my skin change physically, God's hand on me is amazing and the amount of support and prayer we have received has been overwhelming.  I just didn't know that this many people are connected to us as a family, but I am so very thankful for this physical presence called the body of Christ!  I guess I am not as down as I was when I just started blogging, I am encouraged after all, but the cares of life what I will eat, wear, etc... are sneaking in!  May God be close to those whom love him, may their prayers be heard as psalm  22 says those who trust is in Adonai.  

Dinner with Dave

It's late and I am in the process of reading "Soul Graffiti" and there are some really good parts, but I am just not into it fully maybe I just feel bad because I question myself whether or not I am trying to find a God something out side of the Bible.  Or that I am just seeking another Christian book that someone recommended, and with all honesty also purchased for me through Amazon.  So here I am at page 52 and I am not disappointed but not sure where I sit in all of it, my prognosis of my spiritual development is not based on a book or people around me.  I simply have trusted God, more accurately I have tried to follow Jesus surrendering when I can, jumping head long into walls thinking I am following Jesus; still other times running like hell to get away only to fall into his trap every time.  I am no longer mad about him burning me with fire!  I can really see that he has a good work yet to bring out of this.  Tonight I had dinner with my friend Dave, he's a mentor, father without the baggage, and I never lived with him and his wife; but I had dinners with them on  occasion.  He has seen every phase of my adult Christ following journey, and from an outside of myself perspective; this gives me insights into the journey that I could not possibly see other wise.  We always play catch up first, then talk about life marriage, how lucky we are to have the woman God has given us, he always reminds me that God has been very gracious to me by given Cristi to help me in this world.  I am less guarded, even more open, he likes me, and I know he really prays for me when he thinks of me.  I know that I have driven him crazy before more than once, but he is still faithful to make time for me; and this has been one of the most gracious gifts God has given me.  Tonight very nice things were said of me, as if God sat down and had dinner with his son and had some small talk, then of the kingdom, his heart on the poor and orphaned in Africa with the aids situation.  It wasn't sad or melancholy which is odd for I have been depressed since Oct 16th the day of my burning.  Now I know Dave isn't any more holy than you and I, and there have been times that distance didn't allow for me to see him.  I am not dependent on him, nor worship him; because frankly I don't but I do love him and respect him, and have learned allot from the questions he has asked me or thoughts that he has probed.  Tonight I heard yet again of his own growth, journey, his pilgrimage to not settle for less but to seek to the kingdom that Jesus talked about that's here all around us.  I feel believed in, enough to go seek that kingdom to believe it is possible bring it about, to experience it, to give it away, or bring people in, to go to the high ways and by ways, calling to all who desire to come in; all who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness.  I thank God for his gifts, what's more than that i was able to speak with Mike from Chicago and talk with him and even share my dinner with Dave,  though our conversation didn't go supper deep; I feel greatly connected with Mike, we fought right before the accident and it was stupid; I even said I wasn't going to be his friend any more.  But Mike slept on a not so lazy boy for me he pushed my morphine button so I would sleep through the night.  He read to me out loud and he wouldn't even do that for himself,  because he likes to read inside his head it's faster and more fluid.  Yet he read to me even when I was half asleep, and I liked it!  Mike is who I go smoke a pipe with, like old men we take turns either saying stupid or profound things; like those in special books being read by scholars of old with a tall pint in their hand.  Around a small fire we spill ourselves out like a drink offering, the good, the bad and ugly, but the beautiful exotic wonder and the humanness of it all.  I think he and I will be friends for along time his faithfulness of those days in the hospital were essential for my survival.  There were days i thought I would die or that I wanted to go and be with Jesus.  Mike and I are close so is my wife with his wife and our kids too, my children pray specifically for his, they miss them badly and at time just want to be back at home in Chicago.  All this in a small blog.  May God turn ashes into new morning joy